I have a good friend that I don't get to talk to a lot who sent me an email today about her son who may or may not fall into the "spectrum" of having sensory disorder issues. He still uses a pacifier at nearly three and she was getting concerned and frustrated by the things people have said to her in public. As I read, my heart started to break for her. She's dealing with so much, and to be confronted by strangers telling her "Get that pacifier out of his mouth!" and "You're being too lazy with him!"....I just really feel for her...even from the perspective of someone who in general really isn't a pacifier fan.
My first instinct was to feel really badly, because I'll admit that when I've seen preschoolers in public with a pacifier, I sometimes have a "that's odd" reaction. (Although I would never in a million years question another mother like that, it's not my place).
She went on to say that it's been so difficult and even with the "for now" pacifier blessing of her son's developmental counselor and pediatrician, she still feels like she has to keep explaining herself to friends, family, and strangers who just don't understand the world of Sensory Disorders.
I stepped back and thought about it. I can think of times as a parent, when I've felt the same way. When others may make a comment about your parenting choices and you feel that you need to defend yourself.. But still you feel like people are judging you and you question the motive of every "oh, you're still breastfeeding?" or "you use cloth WHAT?" And deep down you know that showing the extended rear-facing statistics with child survival rates, or spouting off the World Health Organization's recommended weaning age aren't going to help you. If people don't like it, they don't like it. But still, we as parents start to wonder if we're doing something wrong.
Why do we do this to each other?
I think in terms of how I've viewed other parenting choices that I've questioned, I've definitely grown. I'm by no means perfect, never claimed to be, but I've found myself over the past couple of years being less judgemental. Definitely firm in my parenting choices..and thank God Joanne and I as parental partners, and spouses agree 99% of the time with our parenting decisions. On many issues we didn't even need to discuss, we both just "know". There are many things we resolve to stay firm on, and we do...because they are important to us and the bottom line is, we're the parents. But in being firm about my own choices, also less judgemental of other ways of doing things.
Now, when I see that kid with a pacifier or anything I wouldn't necessarily do myself, I try to say to myself. "Who is it harming?" I don't mean perceived harm, I mean honest to goodness harm. Is the parent happy? Is the child happy? Are they safe? Normally it's adults inflicting predjudice on situations that actually cause the harm...and if it weren't for all this judgement there would be no problem. (That and I've since learned that pacifiers and thumbs don't harm teeth until they start reaching the ages of 5-7 or so.. ;) but that's besides the point )
There are a million different ways to raise children and none of us will ever be able to claim ourselves experts. Why even for a second give that "look" or make that silly comment? Why turn advice into judgement or a curiousity question into an opinion? Shouldn't we all be helping each other raise healthy, wonderful kids? And helping shouldn't mean "Do it my way, because this is the best way". Helping means saying "Hey that's something new. Tell me more about why you do it that way and I'll do my best to support your decisions". We should save the unsolicited advice for the really seriously questionable stuff ("you let your 4 year old drive? On the freeway?")
So to my friend, I'm sorry I used to be the mom who inwardly looked down on preschool pacifiers, and questioned pacifiers in general. I never meant to be that judgemental mom. I now know that you can't ever know a situation unless you ask and you can't ever make assumptions. Next time, If I'm curious about something I'll just ask, with an open heart, and not assuming that my answer is always the right one. There might be a really really good reason why a parent makes a choice that they've made.
And ultimately, if it harms none......what does it matter?
To steal from my other good friend, Jamie, who always leaves at the bottom of her signature on anything: "As it harms none, do what ye will"
3 comments:
Thank you for your blog about your friend. I have a nearly 3 yr old who may or may not be on the spectrum and it is very hard. I've only recently stumbled on your blog after seeing a post from you on BHB. I'm an oldie from the BBC days and remember when you and your wife were trying for #2. So glad to hear you are now expecting #3! Take care and best wishes to you all, Tammy
Wow! That was a GREAT post!
Great post! Everyone should really think twice before commenting on what other parents do or don't do. I mean, it's one thing if you see a carload of kids that are completely unrestrained, but most of the day-to-day stuff is not a big deal. I learned my lesson when I saw a young mother at the mall several years ago. She was feeding her baby formula from a bottle (I saw her mix in the powder first). I thought, geez, why doesn't she breastfeed? I grew up with a mom who was very much pro-breastfeeding. Well, guess what? Three years ago I adopted a newborn and had to feed her formula from a bottle. I felt like an ass for being so judgmental.
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